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So it happened. You’ve done the deed and you’re swooning in the afterglow (and the oxytocin). It’s never felt like this with anyone else. Your lover said this is the best sex he’s ever had. Maybe he even said it felt like a spiritual experience. Maybe he mentioned the word “cosmic”. You could have sworn there were flashing lights before your eyes when you lost all control and surrendered to the orgasm brought on by the mad skills of your ambidextrous partner.
Maybe you waited a few weeks or months, maybe you followed the “3-date rule” or maybe the first date went so well, and the chemistry was so off the charts, you couldn’t resist. In any case, bathing in this kind of post-coital bliss, you can bet your brain is not thinking about how compatible you are, whether or not you have shared values, or if this is someone you can create a future with. The only thing your brain is thinking is, “Damn, how and when can I get me some more of that?”
Have you ever had hot sex with a man and then “fallen” into an instant relationship? Hit by Cupid’s Arrow, you both profess your undying love for one another, overlooking any red flags about compatibility or addictions, or ???. Then a few months (or years) go by and you look over at this person and realize “You are so wrong for me.”
You wonder what you were thinking. But that’s the problem. You really weren’t thinking.
Is it possible to have hot sex that leads to a great love? Of course. Anybody can “get lucky”. But rather than playing with lottery-like odds, your chance of creating a meaningful relationship (with all the fixins) increases when you have clarity about what you are seeking in the relationship and in the other person.
So, what are you seeking in your love relationship? Commitment? Monogamy? A boyfriend? Marriage? Family? Or do you want to enjoy the single life for now and have a few, fun flings? There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is to figure out what you really want and let your actions line up accordingly.
We’ve all been blindsided by hot sex. But don’t let one lapse in judgment turn into wasted months or years with the wrong person.
When you get clarity about what you want in a relationship and you find a partner who is a match for that AND the sex is hot on top of it, BINGO!
Everyone has different values and morals. Personally I think it’s fine to have no-strings-attached sex if both partners are honest, grounded and consenting adults with no expectations. My only caveat is to make sure that your casual lover is not inhibiting you from meeting someone you can have both great sex and great love with (again, if that is your desire).
The tricky part (for women especially) is when you have great chemistry with someone and become chemically bonded to them through sex. Your judgement about being “ok” with casually dating, or even a booty call, becomes suspect. Strong sexual attraction to the wrong man can make you emotionally unavailable for the right one when he comes along. So take a pause between the sheets and figure out if the relationship you’re in is really meeting your needs.
My empowered liberated sisters, stay true to what it is you want and keep that top of mind even when the carrot is, um, dangling in front of you.
Could there be a different path to great love and hot sex?
I think so. I’ve had clients find great love in relationships with partners they didn’t initially feel that unbridled passion for. I had one client who was dating a man she didn’t feel that “spark” for. She felt more of a “friend” vibe with him and went so far as to tell him so. She was going to break it off, but because she had a pattern of being disappointed by men, I urged her to give him a chance. He ended up being a stand up guy with good values and he treated her very well. He honored his word and made an effort to let her know how much he appreciated her. He planned special dates for her and he was clear about his desire for a longterm, passionate relationship.
One day she looked over at him and realized “Wow, I love this man. I really love him.”
They went on to get married and have stayed happily married for years. She reported to me on the down low that they definitely do have hot sex.
Do you have a question or need extra support around this topic? If so, click here to download my free Sexual Attraction Report.